Life has its ups and downs, a lot of positive moments mixed with negative ones, brief and everlasting. It's a little bit of everything and the way I have managed to create a rather bleak outlook on life that I have somehow managed as a norm. My experience with joy is one that can be overwhelming, rushing, cascading, all of those exaggerated terms that mean an overfilling sense of happiness - and then it dies. It comes like a tsunami, drowning out the rest of my emotions but once it leaves, it leaves behind a desert.
Gathering of friends create a few hours of bonding and fun, but I can simply forget about it. I can remember it, bring up those memories and re-experience it, and then pretend it never happened unless I'm reminded at some point.
Gifts are fascinating. They are this appreciation of a certain celebration of your birth, anniversary, or something of the like. Yet, it's very difficult for me to appreciate these things. I have to put on a facade of happiness, pretend that I understand the joy of having something new to appreciate. It's why I hate my own birthday and Christmas giving now. I don't mind celebrating others, that's easy to do and brings a little bit of joy, but if it comes to my own, I don't really understand the appeal.
Maybe I'm still stuck in this adolescent mindset. Or maybe I never developed a sense of appreciation during my years, it's hard to say. I can hardly see myself doing anything tomorrow, so its quite difficult when my own parents ask where I see myself in several years. Out of the house? Yes, yes. How to achieve that? Get a job, earn some money, save it, look at potential apartments, call in to the clinic and see if they have a job opening. Proceed. Instead of seeing as any of these things as a life challenge to overcome, I see it as a process. Something to do to live, but nothing to brag about or be happy about it. It's just a process. If I fail the process, another course of action will have to be fulfilled. Whether or not I can fulfill is the other question. Additionally, I feel like I've just about accomplished everything I wanted to in life. I've felt the emotions that complete me. Love, hate, grudges, joy, sadness, panic, bravery, such and such. Little bits here and there we all know of. And I wonder where this sort of mindset came from? Where did it originate? Why did it come into existence and why do I seem so unbothered by it?
As my mother nowaday tells me, "You used to be so exciting, full of life and energy, and now you just criticize everything. You're so pessimistic, where did the old you go?" And the only thing I can think of is, "I don't know. I thought it was always like this." It's a wonder to hear how much of a person you've changed when you don't even really realize it yourself. So much so that I believe that I was always like this, negative. I knew I was negative to some degree, but hearing your mother or father ask if you need to see a psychiatrist is always more interesting because it shows that your probably more sick than you anticipate. A little on the humorous side because the father is also a psychologist. Isn't that something? Now, am I that is another question. For myself, no, I don't think so. Course, I'm just answering off the top of my head without taking any tests, referring back to friends who referred to me as some way or another, or thoughts on my own behavior. Not bi-polar though because that has a certain set of conditions and symptoms that don't match me. I suppose I'm just cynical. Like, super cynical.
I wonder if I'm so lost right because of my life expectancy. I don't have cancer or chronic illness that will eventually kill me (although, I wouldn't mind that at this time), but I didn't think I'd make it this far to 23. I always did say in highschool, "I'll probably off myself if I don't get accepted into college," and then I wanted to off myself during college if I didn't manage to make my grades. Well, I didn't, but then again I also switched majors so I suppose that stopped that plan regardless and then I graduated. Woohoo, graduation, another landmark in my life that I don't see the celebration appeal of. And now I'm stuck here with nothing really planned out because I didn't really plan on making it here in the first place. What an ironic set of conditions I set for myself with no back up plan. Oh, you graduated and didn't die, congratulations! Now you have the next 50+ years to look forward to. Yay? I guess? Well fuck, I should've considered what the fuck to do. Oh wait, graduate degree. Forgot that one. Going to grad school this fall. Yep. Check that one off the list.
Congrats, you're at the bottom of my journal now. Do I hate my life? No, but do I like it? No. "There is someone out there suffering more than you Hi-C." Indeed, there is, and I suppose that should make me shake off the shackles of burden and then resume the climb through life because those others will never be able to appreciate a free life like mine. But, I've put myself into this mindset and whether or not I eventually wreck myself or move on past this blip on the radar is what will define me I suppose.
I love words, I hate words, but I always hope to get them right. ~ The Book Thief.